Thursday, December 22, 2011

Observations at a Five Guys

*I ate lunch at Five Guys burgers today, this is a sampling of what crossed my mind and a peek at the circus that is my brain.*

  • First off, I love Five Guys. "All the Way" and "Cajun style" are basically what I hoped "Animal Style" would be. Look inside your fridge, do you have thousand island dressing and Kraft singles? If yes, then you are equipped to make a "double double" in the comfort of your own home and yours will probably taste better than In N' Out's anyway.
  • At anything resembling fast food, "cheese" means American, even at Five Guys. Since American is to cheese what Ketchup is to sauce, I like to skip the slop and order a basic hamburger, that way I pocket a little extra change and I feel like I'm being health-conscious.
  • The above bullet point should not be taken to mean that I do not put ketchup on my burgers. There are two, and only two, acceptable uses for Ketchup: on a burger with mayo or on a hot dog with mustard.
  • Five Guys at lunchtime isn't the most organic place to be reading the chapter in Bossypants where Tina Fey talks about breastfeeding.
  • Speaking of breastfeeding, I'm for it but would never suggest that a woman switch off of formula. Unlike male circumcision, I'm for it and if you're not then you're a hippie communist.
  • There's a moment in every Five Guys patron's life when they learn that the "little" burgers are still enormous. Having already passed through that veil I enjoy watching the light turn on in others. Today it was a cute blonde German girl who unwrapped the foil and nearly screamed, "Woah, this is NOT "little""
  • In a similar vein, a "little" burger and "small" fries at Five Guys is still enough to feed a village of sub-Saharan Africans. I sometimes wish that the dining experience at Five Guys (hereafter referred to as 5G) was more like True Aggie Night at USU. Meaning: if you arrive alone you will be paired up with a complete stranger to share fries with.
  • Speaking of fries, I don't often eat fries but when I do, I prefer Cajun. And every time, without fail, I forget just how spicy they are after you've eaten what would be 5 FDA servings (a small order). Stay hungry my friends.
  • I make a mess out of myself when I eat hand food (hand food = food not eaten with silverware). For that reason I rarely patronize 5G with members of the opposite sex and when I do, it's only with someone with whom I've been married for at least 6 years. Even when alone I try to find a secluded space in the corner where I can comfortably eat my food without worrying about what my face looks like. You know that quintessential image of a baby eating spaghetti? It's like that. (Sidenote* why is it necessary to feed a baby spaghetti? We've all done it, will do it and have seen it done. Why? Spoiler alert, THEY WILL MAKE A MESS!) Where was I, oh yes, my food cave. So after barricading myself in a corner I forget how spicy the fries are (as mentioned above) and have to get up at least 4 times to refill my water and I always, always, always, underestimate how much ketchup I'll need for my fries (doesn't count as a 3rd use). What's more, my water and ketchup never seem to run out at the same time and (as mentioned before) I lack culinary foresight, meaning I have to walk past the cute german tourists at least 8 times covered in sauce and cayenne pepper.
  • Also, after eating Cajun fries I try not to touch anything of remote value until I've washed my hands at least 3 times.
  • This quote is brilliant: "One of the best-kept secrets of "country life" is that people accidentally crush their own pets a lot." -- Tina Fey.
  • Also this one: "Trying to force Country Folk to love the Big City is like telling your gay cousin, 'You just haven't met the right girl yet.' They don't like big cities. It's okay. It's natural. They were born that way." -- Tina Fey.
  • Any dining establishment that offers a complimentary snack item gets extra points in my book. When that snack item is peanuts, you get double points. For those of you keeping score at home, 5G is about 349 away from an extra life.
  • I love when prices are set to include all the fixins. I would so much rather pay $6.50 for a burger with everything than $6 plus 50 cents for the add-ons. I feel like going "all the way" at 5G is their way of saying "We appreciate customers who enjoy a good burger, if you're going to be picky then we just make more money." After working in the food industry myself, I appreciate squeezing a higher profit-margin out of the culinary challenged.
  • That reminds me of working at Great Harvest, people would say "Hi, can I get a Reuben, but with Turkey?" I would answer, "No, actually you can't, but if you'd like I can make you a turkey sandwich on Rye." That look of confusion was worth the wasted 15 seconds. It's a matter of principle.
  • New York's Diamond District is essentially one city block, 47th street between 5th and 6th avenues. It's marked by diamond shaped street lamps at either end of the street. Despite it's size it's a no-man's land and whenever I walk down it I can't help but feel that if I was shot dead in the middle of street in broad daylight the killer would walk. I get my hair cut there, it's fantastic.
  • Eu não sei por que, mas comendo um hamburger no 5G me faz pensar em português.
  • Going back to the subject of taking girls out to eat, I have this down to a science. For a first date you either go Chinese or Italian. If Italian, order the short pastas like rigatoni, tortelini or ravioli in lieu of the linguinis and spaghettis. These are easily forkable to avoid unwanted sauce splashing. Chinese is the same reason, everything comes in easy to fork, bite size pieces. For a second date, Indian food. Why? Because if she doesn't like Indian than you don't have to bother taking her out on a third date. By the third date it doesn't really matter because if you're not knocking on the door of relationship-land then you're just throwing good money down the drain. "Buying dinner for someone else's wife" as the boys in the yard liked to say. What yard? I honestly have no idea.
  • I did actually take a girl to 5G once. We bailed out early on a boring wedding reception and let me tell you, there are few things hotter than a girl eating cajun fries in a black dress. I would've married her, but she ditched me and left the country instead. I'm sure the boys in the yard would have a thing or two to say about that. She was an annoying-funny feminist, just like Tina Fey. My brain is kind of overloading on the connections right now.


  1. ok, really funny post. But on a side note, you feed them spaghetti, because that is what you are eating, and they like it, and will actually eat it. P.s. They make a mess with everything. (Also yogurt or rice r roni is worse.

  2. At least when you make a mess at a 5G there's no one there to take your picture to show to all of posterity.