Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Out of the Dark


There's some blog posts that are for others, and some that are just for you. I've found a strong correlation with the T.O.D of my posts and the latter category. Last night's "Midnight Ramblings" post was written at (as the title suggests) a late hour, and tonight I find myself yet again at my laptop while the clock ticking above my desk reads a biting 12:25 a.m. Tonight's post, like last night's, is mostly for me.

I am celebrating something today. Exactly one month ago I did a bad thing. To be more accurate, exactly one month ago I stopped doing a bad thing.

This semester almost destroyed me. I am not being coy in any way. The last 5 months have been a very dark time for me and as a result of the lasting funk in which I've been operating, my personal relationships have deteriorated, my work performance has suffered, and my general demeanor has changed.

I have watched idly as my auto-pilot has sabotaged the best things in my life and every time that I had the opportunity to enter a better situation my attitude sneered and turned away.

Exactly one month ago I realized that I was miserable and while I couldn't change everything, there was one thing that I could. And did.

Now, I am as lost and hopeless as I have ever felt. And yet, I find a boyish charm in the precarious nature of my circumstances. I don't have the answers - I'm not sure I even know what the questions are - but today, there was a sunrise on the horizon.

3 comments:

  1. Whatever it is, you can do it (or not do it).

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  2. Ben.
    I wish I could hug you.
    I wish I could stay up all night long talking with you.
    Congratulations on your one month celebration.
    You know you're a fast typer - and I'm always just an email away. !!!!!
    I admire your courage.
    I miss you and hope...well lots of things. I hope for you.
    Love Leah

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