Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A Word on Women, Dating, and Rules of Engagement

In courtship you are allowed three strikes. Each time that you turn someone down for any reason whatsoever you earn a strike. Can’t go see a movie because of homework? Strike. Can’t have dinner because you’re babysitting your niece? Strike. Can’t go for a walk because you’re attending your grandmother’s funeral? Strike.

You think I’m kidding about that last one, but I’m not. Women, in general, are utterly clueless and unappreciative of the amount of mental anguish that a man goes through to ask them out. It is one of the most painfully god-awful actions that we men have to go through, and yet the burden lies solely on our shoulders.

I cannot count the number of times that I have heard girls complain of the lack of, or method of, date invitations that they receive.

“He texted me, can you believe it?”

“He still hasn’t asked me out, what a jerk.”

Or in a related field:

“We went out like three weeks ago and I’ve barely even heard from him.”

The whole situation seems engineered for men to fail. We have to make the initial effort for a first date, thus the female already knows that there is interest on our part. We go out, and then we have to decide by analyzing the successes and failures of the first encounter whether we think that a second attempt will end in our favor. We know nothing about the woman’s feelings other than that she was gracious enough to let us pay for her meal and then act polite throughout an evening.

It’s like playing “Go Fish” where one person knows what’s in the other’s hand.

To me, there has to be a system of give and take, push and pull, or, as I prefer it called, Ping and Pong.

Boy asks girl out. Ping.

Girl sends day-after salutation (verbal, or electronic) thanking for a lovely evening, maybe even saying casually “we should do that again sometime. Pong.

Boy asks girl out again. Ping.

Girl invites boy to a social event that she and her friends will be attending. Pong.


If everyone were to live the Ping-Pong life, most doubts would be eliminated from the courtship process. Pursuit would continue as far as the pings and pongs occur. When interest wanes, one player need only cease to ping/pong and the game screeches to a standstill.

On the whole, however, girls do not understand this. They’ll be head over heals ga-ga for a guy and yet do nothing to transmit the slightest interest to him. They’ll go on one date and sit waiting for the phone to ring in their pajamas eating obscene amounts of chocolate and wondering “what did I do wrong?”

It’s not what you did, it’s what you didn’t do. At the very moment that she sits elbow deep in tear-soaked brownie mix, Mr. Right is still going over the date in his mind wondering if she’s in to him at all.

As a result of this haphazard way of life, our generation has been engineered to believe that it’s the job of the man to just try, try again until wedding bells ring or he is forcefully verbally rejected. We never see it coming, and we’re terrified of it, thus apprehension often leads us to inaction, and so it goes.

For this, I follow the simple 3 strikes process. Any time that a girl is “busy” she gets a strike. 3 semi-consecutive strikes and I stop calling. Obviously this tactic allows for a high margin of error (girls are sometimes “busy” after all), but that’s a price that I’m willing to pay to save face.

There is a way to avoid the strike, and it’s very simple; it’s the word “but.” That three-letter word speaks volumes. Let’s look at the following examples.

Example 1:

“Oh I can’t, I’m busy”

Example 2:

“Oh I can’t, I’m busy BUT how about tomorrow night?”

Or, if that seems to forward:

“Oh I can’t, I’m busy BUT another time I’d love to.”

The difference: one gets a strike, the other gets a pass. Example 1 sends a man to the nearest sand to bury his head, example 2 sends him to his calendar to plan another attack. Anytime that a girl simply says “no” for any reason, yes any reason, and leaves it at that, she might as well have said “as if!” and laughed in his face.

1 comment:

  1. Ok I loved this one. hahaha. Seriously. Ping and Pong is a metaphor for the ages. And I actually think you're being smart about the 3 strikes thing. If a girl isn't into you enough to "Pong" back then she's probably going to be more hassle than it's worth. And my experience is that usually if the girl is actually interested in the beginning she will Pong back without fail. Otherwise they're probably just bored and feeding their ego by accepting dates they don't really care about going on.