Wednesday, July 22, 2009

A Word on Private Property and Homosexuality

Wouldn't you know it, but gay people are in the news again. Two weeks ago a gay couple was arrested by LDS Security on Main Street Plaza after exchanging a "kiss on the cheek" (salt lake tribune) or a "second-base special" (deseret news...paraphrased) depending on wether or not you read yellow journalism.

The two men were on their way home from the first of the Twilight Concerts at SLC's Gallivan Center when they stopped in front of the Salt Lake Temple, pinnacle of the LDS religion, exchanged a romantic indulgence of some kind, were approached by security guards and asked to leave, subsequently refused, caused a scene with the guards including threats and profanity, were subsequently cuffed and arrested and then, like all do-gooding homosexuals, pitched a fit about it in the morning news.

Again, depending on the particular journal to which you subscribe the incident was either a completely sober kiss on the cheek, or a drunken, public fondling.

Firstly: I have been to the Twilight Concert Series and given the amount of intoxicants present (both legal and il-) I'd find it somewhat surprising if these "men" didn't have a little sutton-sutton in their blood.

Secondly: My (extremely and intentionally) limited exposure to gay couples doesn't exactly lend to the theory of a "simple kiss on the cheek." I had to edit an entire folklore novel about LGBT party circuits and I blushed at least twice per page.

The church maintains that the mens' actions were inappropriate and the men maintain that they were singled out because of their sexual preference.

Let's be real here; of course they were singled because of their sexual preference. It's simple, Mormons Don't Like Gay People! Cry about it if you'd like but they're not going to change. Any returned missionary and his blushing bride could suck face in front of angel Moroni until the cows come home and no one would bat an eye.

Now, the deal breaker. The main street plaza is owned by the LDS church. In a very controversial move YEARS AGO, the city sold the property to the church allowing them to ban any sort of behavior that they deem inappropriate including: heckling bridesmaids; throwing hot soup at sister missionaries; burning underwear during general conference, or tongue-tagging between members of the same gender.

Private property, it's a beautiful thing that allows the owner to make the rules. If a guest doesn't like it they can leave, and if they refuse to leave you can shoot them (at least in Texas...if only we could all be so lucky).

No matter how seemingly silly, how seemingly intolerant, or how seemingly "homophobic," whoever has the gold makes the rules. When that gay couple said "no, *&$ you" to the security guards they were no longer pedestrians, they were trespassers and subjected themselves to the cold hard truth of the law.

As always, "supporters" have taken this opportunity to stage a series of kiss-ins on behalf of the "abused" couple. Obviously they have no other agenda then the emotional distress of two gay men in mind. Obviously they aren't merely trying to bring up the same screaming arguments we heard when the church obtained that particular piece of property. Obviously they aren't immaturely trying to re-open closed wounds in a some cockamymie (don't know how to spell it) scheme to win Main Street Plaza back for THE PEOPLE.

Spare me. Go kiss on your on time, and stay off my lawn before I shoot you.


  1. I love the political in-correctness of your blog. You and my husband would get along great. He has often expressed the desire to shoot people on private property.

    P.S. I am curious as to why Olive Garden is a lame excuse for a restaurant? ...fill me in there.

  2. I miss our talks about how inappropriate it is for a woman not to take her husband's last name. That's a topic I'd like to see you blog about.
    As far as the gay issue goes, It's been covered. Church is racist against Gays! Homosexuality is a crime against nature and they should be shot! But we just want to be LOVED! Stay off my lawn you dirty worse-than-hippies.... etc.

    But what I haven't seen enough lately is some good honest male chauvinism to put me in my place and remind me of my divine honor to birth your babies.